Longing to be beaten?

When I woke up yesterday, I was so sore I couldn’t put my jeans on. Even pulling on a loose skirt brought echoes of pain on and I know I made some kind of face as I did. I was so, so sore – and every time I moved, I felt it, and felt a little thrill that went right down to my sex. I can’t really explain or describe it, but each time I moved and it hurt I remembered the sex and I … liked that.

When he got home from work, he liked that too. He told me he liked being able to gently pat my ass and have me flinch. But I knew last night he was probably going to fall asleep while putting the baby to bed – he was tired and I’d been keeping him up late.

And yet, all evening long he’d been groping my butt as he passed by me during our evening chores (cooking, laundry, etc) and damn, but my butt still hurt. Every time he groped it hurt, and he liked it – he liked seeing me wince. I could feel how hard he was as he pressed his body against me and even though it hurt – he wasn’t a gentle groper in normal circumstance and he admitted he was being much rougher than usual – I was turned on. I wanted him so badly and though it’s hard to actually say, I wanted him to hit me, to hurt me.

As I cooked, he spanked me a couple times and I’ll admit I got a little pissy. The baby was awake and was playing in the playroom next to the kitchen – and she doesn’t need to see any of this. Adult matters can stay adult, thank you very much. Fortunately, he got that message pretty quickly and I think he felt a little guilty about getting carried away & crossing that line because he spent a while playing with her and colouring and junk. He switched to whispering threats in my ear of how we couldn’t play tonight, but he was tempted to do “maintenance beating”  - he said he liked me this sore. It reminded me of something in the Beauty trilogy that I can’t quite remember, I may have to go back and re-read them, but the essence from the book was that being that sore made a slave more malleable, easier to control.  I don’t know if I was “easier to control” but certainly being that sore made it easier for him to get a reaction from me!

Among his threats was of beating me with the wooden spoon we have in the kitchen. That scared me. I’d seen pictures of what those spoons could do and how easy it was to raise welts and bruises with them – I’d tested it on my inner thigh that morning with almost no force and raised a nice red spot immediately. It wasn’t hard to imagine what even a little bit of force could do, and with a lot….

Oh yes, I was scared. I kind of dismissed him, trying not to let him see how much it unnerved me – but he knew. He had to have, because he kept bringing it up and kept talking about spanking me just to keep me sore, with no sex. (I didn’t really know what I thought of that – it’s so sexual to me that spanking without sex seems so unfair! The idea of the spanking, of beating me just to keep my ass sore is a turn on but….no sex? I kind of felt like what’s the point? But maybe that’s the point…I think I’m confusing myself.)

But when he put her to bed last night and unsurprisingly fell asleep (he gets up so earlier for work), I have to admit I was disappointed.

I kept going through the spanking blog I had found (it’s been around a while – I still have tons of it I haven’t read). I turned some of his words over in my mind, alternately scaring myself and turning myself on. We had been looking into buying some sex toys and of course something that drew his attention was the anal hook.

And let me just say, when I started looking at spanking porn and that thing showed up I had to stop and stare. The last time I seriously looked at bdsm porn was a long time ago, clearly before those were in vogue.

And holy crap. Wow. Whoa. What? Wow.

It shouldn’t surprise me that it caught his attention – it may have even been my fault, we were toy shopping and I probably could have scrolled past it, but I had to comment that it was wicked looking, so of course he had to look.

It wasn’t a case of complaining to get something, like trying to incite a spanking. At least, I don’t think it was. If it was it wasn’t conscious.

But he told me he eventually wanted to get one, and that was on my mind. Different toys, different gags and whips we’d looked at, were on my mind. “Maintenance beating” was on my mind.

And god damn it, I have no idea why, but I wanted that stupid spoon. I wished he hadn’t fallen asleep, at least long enough to come out and beat my ass with that spoon.

I could almost imagine it, slamming onto my ass cheeks. I could almost feel it.

And yet I couldn’t believe it. Maybe I thought I could get him to fuck me too, or at least get me off? I don’t know, but damn it. I wanted the spoon. I wanted him to spank me and I wanted to hurt. I wanted to wake up sore and have that reminder even when he was at work.

Damn it.

And I'm sorry to say, but I was comfortably able to both sit and pull on my jeans today. Oh well.