(initially written 7/26/11 - reposting from LJ due to switching blogs)
I am sure I will write more on this later when I'm not pressed for time, but my head seems to be swirling and bursting at the moment, so I wanted to get this on...paper? .. while the experience is still vivid in my mind.
A few days ago, going around the internet, I found a spanking blog. And as of course that's an area of great interest to me at the moment, I clicked, read...and read...and read...a lot. It was a huge turn on, and gave me a lot of ideas to try with my husband. Ideas that I'm sure I'll want to write about...eventually.
But one thing really caught my attention. It linked to www.figging.com - and - wow.
Let me back up by saying an element in my sexual fantasies for a long time has been punishment. The idea started when I was 17 and read a book where the Mistress used a cream to create a burning feel on the new slave's clit, and then when the sensation faded, in her anus. Ever since then, variants of that have been ... not on my mind, but an added element to masturbation. It was always a form of ritualized punishment.
I, of course, had no idea it was something people actually did. The book was fantastical, predicated on vampires and werewolves. It never really occurred to me that was something people might actually do during sex.
Fast forward, and I've recently read the Sleeping Beauty trilogy by Anne Rice. In the third novel, one of the slaves is subjected to "itching oil" - and while itching isn't very appealing to me, it was the same idea. Punishment. The application of something that isn't violence, isn't force, that the slave can't escape, can't unring the bell - but must simply suffer through until it fades.
So when I saw the figging website, I was...intrigued. One of the posts was on tabasco applied all over the model's vulva and ass and...oh my god.
That was exactly what I'd fantasized about. Punishment, burning without damage - just pain. (And yes, I won't deny that you can actually be damaged by chemicals. That's not my point, obviously care needs to be taken with any kind of pain play.)
But shit. Tabasco?
It burns my <b>mouth</b>.
For a few days, the idea sat quietly in the back of my head.
It was like the bottle in our cabinet was ... taunting me.
Two nights ago, after my husband went to bed, I had to try it.
I didn't mean to.
I didn't plan to.
But I couldn't /not/.
I poured a few drops in a tiny cup, and carried it into the bathroom. I locked the door in case he did wake up. How could I explain this? It was mortifying. I was blushing as it was and I was by myself. If he discovered me, what could I possibly say? And even as I did this, I told myself it was stupid, I could never go through with it. As I stood there, I was sure I wouldn't do it. I wasn't planning to do it. It was absurd, ridiculous...titillating.
And so it's me, nude, in the bathroom, with this little bit of tabasco sauce. I stared at myself in the mirror, and I was distantly amused to see that I was blushed and had the tiniest most apprehense smile on my lips that I'd ever seen. And it's funny, because even up to the last second I was so sure I couldn't possibly do it.
Still telling myself I wouldn't, couldn't, could never ever do this, I dipped my fingers in the cup - and dabbed it on my clit between my spread legs. Momentarily, I felt satisfied - there, I thought. You can't undo it. There's no way to get it off now. You have to live with what you just did!
But then....disappointment. I frowned. It just felt cold. I gave it a second and then wondered if perhaps it was too old. Idiot that I was, I dabbed the rest on myself, telling myself that if it hurt like hell I deserved it. Doing it to myself? What an idiot. What was I thinking? How could I? How could I <b>not</b>?
I waited a moment, and oh. My. God.
It burned. My whole clit felt swollen. It was all I could do not to roll my hips and moan. The pain was intense. It was unlike anything I'd ever felt. I bounced, tears fell. I hissed. I tried not to moan loudly. It was SO hot and it hurt SO much.
And it was exactly, exactly, what I'd always fantasized about. I found myself masturbating without conscious decision to. Rubbing my clit, which was hard and swollen - and not just swollen from the tabasco. I came quickly, and I cried. I had no concept of time. Had I been there five minutes? 10? 30? An hour? I had no idea, but it was still burning. In my head, I imagined the ritualized punishment, being told this was my penance for some transgression - my mind was in chaos and though my fantasies are usually more structured, more defined, I felt close to orgasm again.
At the height of the burning, I remember thinking I had to try ginger some time.
I masturbated again. I felt so wet. I felt so turned on. I felt soooooo bad, so in pain, so ... punished.
And I had done it to myself!
When I went to bed and lay next to my husband, it was still burning slightly, like aftershocks. I was stunned.
I could never, I vowed, do that again.
Ever.
But without having consciously made any decision, I found my fingertip lightly rubbing my clit as I remembered the experience, riding the waves towards orgasm without having planned to masturbate at all.
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