Last night’s playtime was intense – I am wonderfully sore, and every time I walk and the muscles in my butt stretch or contract as I do I smile, because I remember it.
I was lying on my stomach, him between my legs and my legs splayed around him so they were sort of hooked around him. I had my pillow to release my cries into if I needed it, or to lay my head on if I needed it, but for the most part – despite the intensity of the play – I felt mostly languid in a way I’ve never felt before. Each spanking, or smack with the bowl of the wooden spoon, or thwap with the handle of the spoon, hurt for one brief fiery second, drawing a moan out from the depths of my throat. And then I just felt warm. Not sleepy, just…relaxed. He accused me of being tense, but I wasn’t, and by the end even him rest his hands on my butt – either to feel me or to part my ass to look deeper – made me wince and grit my teeth, but the actual spanks and slaps? It actually felt almost relaxing, and thinking about it today it’s sort of unnerving. I’ve long known and buried that somewhere along the way I had grown to like erotic pain, but my memories of last night are almost hazy, fuzzy, and what comes through most strongly are impressions of warmth, of waiting to feel the next one. I hesitate to describe the feeling as “great” because I do know it hurt. I remember he did sometimes hit fairly hard, hard enough to make me actually cry out – usually when he chose to spank the juncture where my butt and thighs meet – but I don’t remember more than brief instants of pain. It’s unnerving because that feeling is so…strange to me. I feel quite confused actually.
The bruises today are unnerving too. We had waited for my butt to heal, for the most part, although we did some light spanking play, so I suppose I had gotten used to a mostly “normal” looking butt. (If you say the word butt enough, it seems to lose meaning…hmmm.) There are vivid splotches of wine-coloured bruising and deep purple bruises, and some pale yellow ones. When paired with the mottled bruising on my breasts, I could easily pass for the victim of something nefarious, and it both amuses me and unnerves me and turns me on that instead these are the marks of love. I am nearly tempted to post pictures so I can remember his handprints on my skin, remember once the bruises have faded just how thoroughly he beat my ass and breasts.
Speaking of my breasts, I have no idea how I feel about how much he likes to punish them. Clothespins, spankings, pinching, smacks with the spoon – he seems to take great joy in playing with them, and aiming the spoon so he can focus the blow on my nipple. The pain when that happens is so intense, almost electric – and he loves it. He loves to grope my breasts so hard I groan and cry, and my reaction is so mixed, so conflicted I almost want to laugh. I hate it. The spankings on the rest of my body don’t incite the same feelings. Is it worry because I’m lactating? Or do my breasts, jutting out so exposed from the rest of my body, simply seem more vulnerable to me? I know he’s not hitting as hard as he’s hitting my ass but it’s frightening nonetheless. And yet…it turns me on, because I can visibly see how making my breasts shudder with each spanking, bounce each time a clip is removed and I jump, turns him on. The punishment by itself and out of context is unpleasant, but doing something uncomfortable for his pleasure is incredibly erotic. I don’t understand why the desire to make him feel good, particuarly at the expense of my own physical comfort (hah – comfort is a paltry world to describe what I mean here, but as I am not a thesaurus it will have to do), is so strong…but there it is. Beat my breasts, spank my feet, draw bruises on my ass…just get off on it, and it seems I will too.
What a strange creature am I.
On a different note, we found out very hard and very fast last night that I definitely have a limit when it comes to tabasco. I made the mistake of telling him to “stop!” as he was doing his damnedest to smack my nipple with the edge of the spoon. Very quickly, I found myself head down and ass up on the tiny bed in his office. He told me I didn’t get to say “stop” and started dropping something onto my exposed anus. It stung and I immediately freaked, demanding to know what he had just put on me – he remained silent, working it into my asshole. He then started rubbing what I assumed was the same stuff onto my clit and then inside my cunt; by then my nose had caught up to my brain and I was starting to flip. He still didn’t tell me what it was, but it was starting to burn.
I got totally lost inside my own head. He started to smack with a belt and that actually felt good as my cunt and ass burned, but he was telling me to do something to and I haven’t the faintest idea what. He then tried to have me suck him and I was just…lost. I had tried to explain before that that kind of intense sensation is all consuming and absorbs my entire focus, but I guess I didn’t explain it well enough (note to self: cut the shyness crap in the future…no matter how embarrassing it might be, I have to communicate better). It was incapacitating – and I think it was worse because I hadn’t expected it. We had talked about using it on my ass too, and eventually both at once, but I guess I wasn’t ready for that jump and you can’t stop once it’s on.
He started to touch me and finger me and that was when I lost it, starting bucking and telling to stop touching me if he ever wanted to do this again and stuff. I failed though. He didn’t stop – understandably, since we had talked about control fantasies – and I fucking forgot my safeword. He kept trying to finger fuck me as the inside of me burned and it just felt awful as I sobbed and told him not to touch me.
I have no idea how or why, but I was so overwhelmed I didn’t just forget my safe word. Honestly and truly forgot safewords existed. He did figure out pretty fast that I actually genuinely needed him to stop, and he was honestly wonderful as soon as he figured out what was going on. He told me he would have stopped the instant I used my safeword, and I felt so stupid…I have no idea how my brain just…shut out that piece of information. Like, gone, completely. I didn’t forget my word – I forgot that I even had that kind of option.
Uh…oops. Yeah.
And while I had a break down and a sobbing mess, we talked afterwards and the luxurious spanking I described above happened after this, so the evening wasn’t lost and didn’t end on a poor note.
I thought a lot about what happened. I think the sauce in my pussy is probably just not going to be repeated unless I really direly need to be punished, because that was rough. It made it agonizing when he went to finger fuck me, and that I think was what ended up putting me over the edge.
That all being said, I think there are ways we could have done that that would have turned my sex drive to overdrive instead of turning me into a mess.
What turns me on about this is being punished. Ritualized punishment for infraction is just…my fantasies are so structured and vivid that I think the interaction I needed wasn’t there. I like that he punished me for telling him to stop. I didn’t mean to say stop and I wasn’t actually trying to tell him off, but that was definitely one of those punishable offenses. So I like that part of what happened an awful lot.
But surprising me wasn’t a great way for me to deal with that. As silly as it might have felt for him, telling me I was being punished and how would have been hot – if he had pushed me into that position and said “Ekho, you /don’t/ get to tell me to stop. You belong to me, to spank as I see fit – telling me to stop is inexcusable, and I’m going to punish you severely for that. I am saucing your asshole and clit because you told me to stop, and when it starts to burn I am going to whip your ass with my belt. When it stops, you’re going to suck me off.”
Even thinking about that historical revision has me wet, and in that context I could have even dealt with the sauce inside my cunt – it’s all about frame of mind. When he gets home I’m going to share my thoughts on that because I think it was a scenario that could have led to a fantastic orgasm for both of us.
Mmm, actually, we may have to try that again tonight with a new script. *g*
No comments:
Post a Comment