Back down the rabbit hole

Oh look, I have a blog. Say what?

The truth is, shortly after my last entry, he asked me to show him a post of mine, and that required giving him the link to my blog. He knew it existed but hadn’t asked to see it. And as soon as this became a space that was 100% transparent I turned chicken. So instead of blogging and reaching out to others in similar head spaces or life situations, I…ignored my blog completely.

And that’s been bugging me for about two months, but yanno. The whole chicken thing.

But blogging about my reactions and responses and feelings about submission was helpful, and while he never said a word I am pretty sure he would think so too.

So, hi blog. –dusts off the blog- Sorry to neglect you, I’ll try to be a good girl.

And well, it didn’t help that things got a little stagnant. He’s been busy, he’s worked late…and the power dynamic…wasn’t maintained. I’m not finding fault, but I had a hard time feeling submissive when he wasn’t acting dominant. Not that we didn’t still have rough sex or he didn’t still order me to blow him, but it was more like…kinky sex and expected oral sex rather than an actual kinky dynamic. There were occasional erotic threats that would send little jolts of arousal through me, but they were almost never carried through. And I just…I couldn’t convince myself that I was still being submissive when there was no one to submit to. I wasn’t willing to pretend in the safety of my own head that he was being a dom when really, he was just too tired or busy to tend to that aspect of our relationship. It just doesn’t work in my head to submit in bits and pieces; I guess I’m just too…too all or nothing. If he isn’t in control, it doesn’t work for me.

And well..I challenged him, a lot. It wasn’t conscious, but looking back, I think I was trying to get .. a reaction? I wanted him to respond by taking control, or more by showing me that I wasn’t. We did know the dynamic had slipped to the wayside in the face of overwhelming worldly issues, and it’s not like this was a conscious thing on my part – I just knew I was frustrated. And when he wouldn’t respond – or respond consistently, I became more frustrated. I don’t need him to control the minutiae in my life – I am an intelligent, highly educated person who has successfully managed professionally. But if we’re going to give lipservice to the idea of D/s relationship…it doesn’t work if there’s nothing to submit to, at least for me. Maybe it does for other people and I’m just needy and selfish. I can own that, I’m well aware of both the good points and flaws that make up my personality. But either way, it didn’t work.

But we’ve been talking about working on it and ,aking an effort, because it’s something we both find fulfilling, erotic, and enjoyable. He proposed a month of absolute; no boundaries or limits beyond those we’ve mutually established in the relationship outside of a D/s context. Complete control, complete obedience, and punishment if I don’t hold up my end. We spent quite a while emailing back and forth about it, because not only is this deeper than any of our trials before – it feels…more serious. More real.

And so…the neglected blog. –dusts it off some more-

Will it work this time? I don’t know. I hope so. I’m sitting here with the jeweled steel butt plug in because he told me too. (On a side note, that thing is uncomfortable, but not the way I thought it would be – the flat edges around the jewel…pinch. I think we need a nicer one if he wants extended use.) I had a reason for mentioning that, but I can’t remember what it is now.

I plan to give it what I’ve got…I believe he will too. And that makes me nervous. Nervous because…I think it will work. I feel like it’s a shift in our relationship. I feel like he can be strong enough to dominate me, which both frightens me because I have a strong personality – I am not a doormat. I am not the kind of submissive falling over herself to bow at her dom or master or owner or (insert label of your choice here)’s feet. To submit I need to feel like .. he’s stronger, I guess. And while I’m frightened at the idea of being broken to submission, much as it’s something I want, it’s…thrilling, too. I want him to have control not just because I’ve randomly decided to fall down at his feet, but because he’s stronger – not an ass, but stronger – and I have to. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the email I got saying that I have 10 lashes (of what? The flogger? One of the canes? I’m not sure) has me wet. Not because I want the pain – I’m not that kind of masochist to get off on the actual pain – but because I was 10 minutes late getting to bed last night and he’s going to enforce it. Which…he wouldn’t have before.