Unexpected response :(

It’s Friday, it’s Friday, and Fridays should be good days. Today our one week orgasm control trial ended.

Honestly, when I offered to give him this power over me, for lack of a better term, it was because he’d been asking for variants of this for as long as we’ve been together…and while we had occasional indulgences (during sex, for example, but not beyond) we’ve never done it. I thought it would be a great way to let him try out control…it was something he wanted. Had always wanted.

It was a trial period because … my libido is high enough that I wasn’t sure I could handle it. There was every possibility that to test my commitment I could end up banned from orgasming for an entire day…or two. (Looking back, there were a couple days I didn’t orgasm at all, but there were never two of them in a row.)

It didn’t really occur to me he wouldn’t like it.

I do realize that there are other parts of D&S he might not like. He isn’t the type to fantasize while jerking off, and while most of sex is in my head, it’s just physical for him. So I do realize D&S may not work for us and that’s just that.

But he had wanted variants of this for so long I thought this might be a way to satisfy both our desires.

Yesterday when he joined me in the living room, I was pretty happy. I asked him for permission to masturbate before bed and after a little bit of teasing, he said he’d allow it.  I decided that while he might not always be as orgasm-generous (haha) as he had been this past week, the week had been physically tolerable. Mentally, it was super erotic to have to ask to come – both during sex, and when I was by myself if he was out working.

To be honest, I was ready to offer him the reins, so to speak, for the indefinite future.

As we were relaxing, I asked him playfully, “So tomorrow’s Friday! Know what that means?”

He did and told me so, though I don’t remember his exact words.

I’ve lost the words to the rest of the conversation I guess – I’m wracking my brain as I’m typing this, but they’re not coming.

But the gist was, he told me it wasn’t as hot as he thought it would be and wasn’t “worth it” for what I went through.

My ego, it hurts L

No…really. Ouch. L

That totally completely stings.  First, that we were apparently on such different pages about the week. Immediately I wondered if I was too demanding, too pressuring. I thought I had mostly been pretty demure, but if it really was only mildly interesting anything might have been too demanding. And second, ouch. It wasn’t “worth” it. I know what he means. Meant. Sort of. That it was too hard for me for the benefit he got.

But I can’t help wonder if there’s more beyond what he’s saying. Not “worth” it.

He figured out pretty fast that answer upset me. I explained why as best he could and he tried to come up with a few things, we could try again, it might have been an off week, he just thought it was too hard on me for how much fun he had, blah blah blah…

But while it was tolerable, it wasn’t physically pleasant – I like orgasming! – and if he’s not getting anything out of it, not enough to want to try it again, that saps the fun part of it for me. If it’s not fun for him it’s not hot for me. I would try to go a week without coming if he thought it was totally hot – but celibacy that he doesn’t care about is stupid and irritating. If he’s just going through the motions for me, I don’t want it.

So no, I am not trying it again. And yes, my ego hurts, badly. His exertion of control over of me wasn’t worth it to him. I can’t quite process how much that hurts.

And it makes me forlornly wonder if the control and dominance I find so erotic will stay strictly in the realm of fantasy. I love my husband and if all we do is keep having sex and keep playing with S&M, it is what it is. I am happy with him.

And I haven’t lost anything, because we hadn’t done anything.

But the frustration of feeling like I almost had something is, I think – though I may never know – just as frustrating as if I had.  –rubs her sore ego-